I’m the King of all Coasters oh aye!
Try your tipple to truly know why
I’m shiny and smooth, not tattered and torn
Impeccably groomed, no beer stains adorn
I was born in the gutter but looked to the stars
My ambition was clear: a career in bars
Not any old bars, just those for the wealthy
My strategy cunning, I knew I’d stay healthy
Residing in haunts with a fine clientele
Who’d admire my sleek contours and treat me so well
The Mallard, The Firerock, The Fifty Two 80
More the “Oh Darling!” less “G’day matey!”
The cognacs, fine brandies and mountain mojitos
Encountering sunsets on swanky patios
My surfaces graced with care and precision
Champagne glasses placed with crystal clear vision
But then the good life began to erode
Abhorred locals’ nights invaded my abode
Frequented by peasants, so bawdy, so loud
Pitchers and pints, the uncouth Kokanee crowd
The spills and the stains I could take it no more
My sorrow and scorn seeped from every pore
The law of attraction’s what happened to me
Oh! If only my head had allowed me to see
That fateful night coming and accepted my lot
My ego’s inflation drove the end that I got
Torn into shreds at the hands of frustration
By a seasonal worker on winter vacation
Every coaster’s worst nightmare had happened to me
Fate smiled as he dished out my true destiny
With a swish and a swash I was torn into shreds
As my coaster colleagues simply winked whilst
nodding their heads
